A Return To Form

I’ve always wanted to be an artist when I grew up. Putting aside the career paths that every child considers (police officer {lol}, firefighter, veterinarian, doctor, astronaut), art is always something I came back to. I took the thoughts of “follow your passion” to heart, and went and got a college degree in my chosen path to help me along the way, considering I’m someone who needs external direction and guidance for learning.

It’s been 7 years since I graduated college, and, for all intents and purposes of the capitalistic mindset, have “nothing to show for it”.

I’m working a part time job for far less than a livable wage after ditching a toxic and draining job that was theoretically somewhat art-related but incredibly not worth the detriment to my time and health, both mental and physical. I haven’t drawn anything of real substance in years, let alone drawn a comic or designed anything. I suppose the closest I’ve gotten has been when I started playing Final Fantasy 14, though that was more using a character creator tool and then going off in my imagination to make personal tweaks and edits to the vanilla model that the game offers.

It’s 2024 now, and there’s foreseeable life changes looming at the end of this year, and next year. I started this year already with the thoughts that something needed to change, and knowing that I’m finally capable of putting in the work to do so. I’m putting in the effort, scheduling out my time and working on courses to improve skills that are rusty or that would be beneficial to learn. Considering the lack of funds available to me, I don’t particularly feel great about the fact that it is costing me money, but I do take some small solace in the fact that its one-time purchases, and if I think about it as “investments” in my skills. And also it’s much cheaper and more feasible than going back to art school.

Progress is slow, and sometimes it feels like I’m not going anywhere, especially since I’ve essentially gone back to the essential basics. It’s frustrating and anxiety inducing, knowing the timeline I’m on, the deadlines to get my shit together, for lack of a better phrase. Even though it’s only the middle/late February of the new year (which has been insanely busy for a myriad of reasons), the self-criticism and disappointment that I’m not further along lingers in the back of my mind.

Still, I think its important to keep going, to keep trying and pushing. Because it’s worth it, but also because, honestly, I have no other choice. If I want to escape the southern US for greener pastures career-wise and personally, I have to keep going. Otherwise, I’ll still be stuck and broke and feeling like I’m wasting my life not pursuing the things I love.

I’m not sure what this little blog will be or become, or much of an intent behind it, but for now, here, I’ll chronicle the little exercises and practices I’ve done thus far in my effort to shake off the layers of rust and get myself creating again.